Trauma: how to deal with effects of it in a relationship

We all know that KwaZulu-Natal and Gauteng experienced losses and devastation last week due to looting and rioting that led to loss of jobs, lives and trauma.

This resulted in some individuals, couples and families experiencing some kind of trauma. Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event. Couples can experience it after a loss of a child, house invasion, car hijacking, accident, etc.

Even civil unrest as we experienced last week can be traumatic. These could have devastating effects on a marriage and lead to infidelity, loss of intimacy and connection and sometimes even divorce.

Yes, you might have both suffered a loss but no two people experience or deal with trauma the same way. This can often make it a bit hard to help each other after a trauma.

This could lead to you feeling numb

One person might be able to heal by just talking and sharing with their spouse. The other might withdraw into themselves and drown themselves in work.

When you can’t be there for each other there is risk of feelings of isolation. As a couple you need to respect each other and remember that your grieving/healing process and pace will be different.

• You need to be aware that many issues like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety, mood swings etc. can arise after a traumatic event.

There are ways of overcoming trauma as a couple while making sure your relationship comes out strong. You need to acknowledge that you experienced trauma. Do not brush it under the carpet and try to minimise the hurt by turning it into a joke or over indulging in alcohol or food.

This could lead to you feeling numb. Unfortunately, the numbness can stay with you and that closes of healing. So, it is important to acknowledge and be aware of the trauma and how it made you feel and how you are feeling after.

As much as it will be hard, accepting that the trauma happened is important. Since we process differently, one partner can criticise or become defensive when the trauma is discussed, this can lead to trust issues in the relationship.

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• Don’t be ashamed to get help, reach out to a professional. Only one of you might be ready to seek help, that is ok. Give your partner space to process on their own way, when they are ready, they will join you.

Healing will require, patience, time, support, understanding, communication, love and learning to live with the new norm. No matter the type of trauma you might have experienced, don’t give up on each other, even though it might not seem so at the moment. There will always be light at the end of the tunnel.