Talk openly about sex with your partner

March 29, 2021

329 2 minutes read

By MPHO MOTSIE-MABUDA

In January I wrote an article that promoted talking about sex in relationships. So now how do we have this conversation?

This is a question I usually get asked often by my clients. This is a very important and much needed conversation in every sexual relationship.

Talking about sex can be very difficult for many people because it’s very personal and people have different beliefs, fears, and negative emotions when it comes to sex. This unfortunately usually prevents people from communicating openly about sex with their partners.

To help open the channels of communications and set the foundation, some essential rules can be followed:

Non-Judgmental/open-minded: This can be the hardest because both of you need to have worked on all your negative beliefs, concerns about your sexuality and sex. It can be hard to be rid of thoughts that have been conditioned into you by society or even by your parents. You must be in a place where you do not judge and take things personally otherwise you risk of loosing trust and closing the openness is your relationship forever. Do not laugh, mock, or belittle your partner!
Timing: Pick the right time for the both of you. You cannot talk about sex when you both are upset, tired, during an argument, after a difficult day at work and not right after sex. You both need to feel relaxed, comfortable, safe and in a quiet environment. The conversation should just flow. Always keep it positive.
Do not compare or degrade: Sexual communication is about finding common ground. Do not use sex to get an upper hand on your partner. Be equals who want to experience pleasure. Do not insult your partner because this will make them feel like a failure. They could have limiting beliefs about sex and they just need to learn to open up. Never compare them with your ex or the amazing sex your friend has with their partner. You two are the only people that matter.

Remember, there is no such thing as normal or standard when it comes to sex. Yes, there are some fantasies or desires that are more common than others. You must be okay with sex and sexuality, keep in mind that it is something that is natural to all humans. If you struggle with any negative beliefs about sex, maybe consider working on them with a Sex Coach, Sexologist, or a Therapist.