By MPHO MOTSIE-MABUDA
I always get asked, “Can a marriage survive after cheating?” Yes, it certainly can. You must ask yourself if you can change the way you see your partner after they cheated?
Can you stop seeing them as a cheater? At first you will probably be engulfed by anger and even hate but with time both of you can move past the betrayal. Moving past a partner cheating on you is not ignoring it or accepting it as a norm by saying “onke amadoda ayajola”.
I don’t know every man in the world to say not all men cheat, but I have had men who I have coached who asked about doing better in their marriages because they did not want to be unfaithful to their partners.
By the way, women also cheat. Everyone can cheat, it is just a matter of choice. To move past the infidelity, you both need to be open to working on your relationship and fixing what has been broken. There needs to be absolute transparency from the cheater’s side.
Answer all asked questions honestly and completely
If your partner wants all the details, then give them all the gruesome details they ask for, this is their healing process, so allow it to them. As the one who cheated, you need to take all the rage that will be thrown at you. See and acknowledge the consequences of the choices you made.
How you act after your partner finds out will determines how you both will move on. Accountability needs to be taken because “I am sorry” alone will not be enough. You need to always be intentional and always ask how they are doing and what are their triggers.
Many people who cheated always get annoyed when it takes longer for the betrayed partner to heal or trust them again. They forget that when you cheat on someone, you tear their whole life apart.
Thinking that all will be okay after a few days or weeks is very unrealistic. It usually takes 18-24 months for the betrayed to heal. Sacrifice is one of the most important things you need to know how to do as a person who cheated.
You need to change your actions. The going out with the boys or your girlfriends need to be on put on hold until your partner heals. With that said, it is important to understand that no one can make another person cheat.
So, amajita are not the one who unzip his pants for him nor are her single girls going to make her drop her panties. It is important to seek assistance from marriage/relationship coaches, therapists or counsellors because they will help you according to your personalized marital issues.
Yes, it is great to speak to people who have also survived cheating and continued to have amazing marriages afterwards. We all need success stories to give us hope. But remember there are many different reasons why people cheat. Recognising the reason why, plays a huge role in how your journey of healing in your marriage goes.
